Make love not war.

By Hannah O'Donnell

It is difficult to judge equality in a relationship from a singleton’s point view. As a singleton it is all for one and one for me and I don’t have to consult anyone else on my behaviour or my choices. I have found, however, that this isn’t the case in a relationship.

It is not for lack of freedom, but for the sake of compromise you understand.

Behaviours change when you’re a couple, so it is important to retain the equality the two individuals had before they got into a relationship and became ‘we people’.

When the relationship is new, feelings are fresh and you’re conscious of your behaviour, you tend to walk on eggshells, behave in a particularly well-mannered way, and maybe perform roles you wouldn’t normally.

Speaking from experience, when I’ve had the rare occasion of being in a relationship – my appearance becomes my number one priority. I have to be nicely dressed every time I see him, and make sure I’m perfectly charming, witty but not sarcastic, sweet and caring, and listening to everything he has to say (even if usually the topic would bore me to tears). I tend to find obscure reasons to buy gifts and spoil boyfriends, and I try to pick up things they mentioned when we were just friends to show that I’m the best thing that ever happened to them.

The problem with this is that it becomes routine. Always performing the same roles tends to leave one person in the relationship as the dominant and the other as a submissive.

If one person is always making the decisions, and one person just follows their routine and accepts the other’s dominance – this does not make a healthy relationship.

However, as key as communication is, it’s not always the easiest thing to discuss.

‘I don’t feel we have an equal standing in this relationship’ tends to come out more like:

‘You treat me like shit and I hate you’

At least in my case anyway.

Again, pulling from personal experience; I remember a certain conversation with a boyfriend about meeting up for the weekend. And, as far as I was concerned, he was being unreasonable. I always had to go to his because he didn’t have a car and I did. And even when I did go to his, we had to have sex before we did anything else. Why couldn’t he get the train? Or a taxi? Or a lift off his parents like he used to?

Why was I the only one making effort?

Having read the conversation again later (and I have apologised to him for this already) I could understand why, from his perspective at the time and me now, how I was actually being a mega bitch.

Every time he suggested something for our weekend, I shot the idea down because I didn’t want to perform the same role of going round his, having sex, and then watching a film or watching him play Xbox.

But I didn’t say that to him.

I just let it fester and ruin us.

We’d been better as friends because we’d been equal. If I’d not wanted to do something, I’d just told him and vice versa.

As I said before, communication is key.

Oscar Wilde said ‘everything in the world is about sex, except sex. Sex is about power’.

And it’s true enough that people use sex as a weapon in relationships. Withholding sex to punish their partners verses persuading their partners that having sex is a sign that they truly love them and they should give it up.

It’s a constant battle for dominance.

So what is my remedy for this stagnant battle of the sex(es)?

You mean besides the obvious of talking about it?

Switch it up.

Don’t always expect the other person to make all the effort, but also don’t feel like you’ve got to be a slave-driven pack mule for them either.

Don’t feel restricted by social roles; men can cook dinner, girls can fix that broken thing.

I’d know. I put my shelves, my desk and other furniture bits and pieces together.

Don’t offer to carry furniture up the stairs because you’re the man. Offer to help because you know you’d need help to carry it on your own and you’re a decent human being.

Don’t always leave it to him to instigate sex, if you want it, let him know.

Don’t wait for him to get you flowers. Get yourself some flowers if you want flowers.

Don’t feel you have to pander to their every whim. Human beings are selfish creatures, we take what we can get and then some. Make sure when they’re taking, they’re also giving back.

Don’t screw it up by confusing bartering with compromise.

If you’re saying ‘I’ll only do this thing, if you do that thing’ that’s not the same, and can quickly turn into ‘If you don’t do this thing, you won’t get that thing’.

It’s not sexist to ask your girlfriend to make you a cup of tea, it’s just a dick move. Ask her to stick the kettle on with the promise that you’ll make tea. Boom. Compromise!

And with compromise, comes equality if you ask me.

See more of Hannah's writing at her amazing blog The Hopeless Romantics Collective: http://worsethanhopelessromantic.blogspot.co.uk/

And like her Facebook group at: https://www.facebook.com/hopelessromanticscollective